I once decided to rank all the 63 winning songs of the contest from most favourite to least favourite. It might come as a shock to you that, though it ranked highly, ABBA's Waterloo (Sweden 1974) did not in fact top that list. Instead that title belongs to the United Kingdom's winning song from 1997. Katrina and the Waves, famous for their 1985 hit "Walking on Sunshine" competed with this little gem and won in record breaking fashion.
The UK used to do so well. THey won five times and have been the country the most often to finish in second place. So you have to ask this big question.
WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED TO MAKE THEM SO TERRIBLE?
The UK have somehow managed to turn themselves into a Eurovision laughing stock. Did they stop caring? Are they trying not to win? I don't honestly know and I don't think they do either.
Because ranking things in lists is something I like to do I thought I would do exactly that for all of the UK's Eurovision entries after their big win in 1997. I'll start with the "least worst" of the songs then go to the one that is the biggest pile of garbage.
I apologise to your eyes and your eardrums.
Number 18 - 2009 - It's My Time - 5th Place
This is probably the best attempt the UK has made since their win. After being so bad for so long they actually tried this year. They got Andrew Lloyd Webber to write the song and held a competition to find the voice. They were ultimately rewarded with 5th place when they went to Moscow.
Number 17 - 2002 - Come Back - 3rd Place
Another year where they actually did pretty well was 2002. This ended up in equal 3rd place. This is sung well by Pop Idol contestant Jessica Garlick, but the song itself is ultimately pretty boring.
Number 16 - 2014 - Children of the Universe - 17th Place
After two yeas of sending has-been artists to the contest the BBC thought they'd give some new tallent a go. I actually liked the song the more I heard it, but because the UK automatically qualify for the final, you only have one chance to impress. I wasn't impressed the first time I heard it. Neither was the rest of Europe in the end.
Number 15 - 1998 - Where Are You? - 2nd Place
This is the song the UK thought could defend their big win from the year before. Not a bad song. Probably pretty slick by 1998 standards. It did come second after all. But it's a little dated now don't you think?
Number 14 - 2011 - I Can - 11th Place
"Let's send a boy band who are big in Europe" was what the BBC were thinking in 2011. They were even big favourites to win. The song is not bad either. But that staging is really tacky. Also, it's A BOY BAND! Did you really want these people to win? But then again I thought the song Azerbaijan sent that won that year was pretty crap too.
Number 13 - 2000 - Don't Play that Song Again - 16th Place
Did I say the last song's staging was tacky? I apologise to the last ones, this is even worse! Those dance moves are probably the worst I've seen. Don't play that song again huh? You don't say!
Number 12 - 2008 - Even If - 25th Place
So they thought this time they could win by getting funky! I don't mind this song to be honest. But it's not much to write home about. I feel for the guy singing on stage. He looks absolutely terrified. Definitely not the worst song of Eurovision 2008. It was a shocking year, which it's why it's my favourite year for train wrecks. This was also the year that officially broke Terry Wogan. He even threw a tantrum on air at the end when this didn't win! THIS!
Number 11 - 1999 - Say it Again - 12th Place
So you're the UK and one of the biggest musical acts at the time are the Spice Girls. They aren't interested in Eurovision so who do you send? Another girl band apparently. But this song is booooring!
Number 10 - 2004 - Hold On To Our Love - 16th Place
But not as boring as this! 2004 was a big festival year where all the songs were flashy carnivals. I could just imaging the crowd falling to sleep during this one.
Number 9 - 2005 - Touch My Fire - 22nd Place
So the next year they try for that ethnic rhythm feel and fail miserably! It's almost like watching your 7 year old sister get into your mothers dresses, put on make-up and pretend to be a grown lady. You tell them they look nice whilst trying not to hurt their feelings by laughing at them. This song is more famous for the "wardrobe malfunction" that happened during the UK national pre-selection show.
Number 8 - 2012 - Love Will Set You Free - 25th Place
In 2012 the BBC thought it would send some big famous singer to the contest. Was a pitty that the only one who would agree was washed up. Engelbert Humperdinck was who they went with who tried with a sweet ballad which was anything but appropriate. Of course it was going to do badly.
Number 7 - 2001 - No Dream Impossible - 15th Place
"Be Strong! On and on! Keep pushing on and on!" As soon as I heard that stupid rap break I burst into laughter! The rest of the song could have been brilliant (it really wasn't) but with a shit rap like that, it's a guaranteed failure!
Number 6 - 2013 - Believe in Me - 19th Place
Sending a washed up has-been didn't work the year before but for reasons I'll never be able to grasp they did it again! This time it was Bonnie Tylers turn to show how her best years were behind her. She did a better job than Engelbert Humperdinck points wise but I think she made the worse performance!
Now we get to the scum of the pile! The bottom 5 are particularly terrible! When I think of bad UK songs these are the ones that will always come to mind!
Number 5 - 2006 - Teenage Life - 19th Place
Don't you love it when the UK try to send some kitschy trash? It's always a dud! And this one is a RAP SONG! The gimmick should have been laughed out of existence! But instead it was voted the best song to send to Europe? The singer even screams "Vote for the Music" at the end. On the music alone I would give it a poor score!
Number 4 - 2015 - Still in Love With You - 24th Place
People were saying that this years entry from the UK was something you either loved or hated. I absolutely hated it! What a load of tacky garbage? The singers look awkward. And those electro breaks are the absolute worst. My prediction was that this would finish dead last. It didn't. But it only got 5 points in the end which was exactly 5 points more than it deserved! It was also less that the 3 minute time length which must have used some form of time travel because IT, FELT, LIKE, THIS, SONG, WOULD, NOT, FUCKING, END!
Number 3 - 2010 - That Sounds Good to Me - 25th Place
2009 was a great year for the UK. They finally worked out how to do well. Which makes how the next year being so terrible was perplexing to me. They held a contest to find a singer for a song to be written by industry professionals. The problem was they got people who were successful in the 1980's. They wrote this pile of crap that would have been dated in 1991! The UK went back to finishing in dead last!
Number 2 - 2007 - Flying the Flag (for You) - 22 Place
I can't help but think this entire act was a massive troll. But I know for a fact that this group were serious! This is the most kitsch crap the UK have ever sent. Once again the British public voted for this crap. This is something you'd expect from Hi-5 but perhaps without all the poorly executed sex jokes.
Number 1 - 2003 - Cry Baby - 26th Place
I wouldn't be doing this properly if the worst UK entry wasn't Jemini's Cry Baby. The song that failed to get a single vote in 2003. And there's a strong reasons why. The singing is horrible and the dance moves are bland. There singers claimed they were sabotaged by the technical crew because of the UK involvement in the Iraq war but people in the know really knew they were just a genuinely terrible act. But they were surrounded by yes men that told them they were brilliant.
So that is the terrible songs from the UK since 1997. We need something to make us feel better so I will leave you with a good UK Eurovision song. To do that I'll take you all the way back to 1959. This song didn't actually win like Monty Python lead you to believe but it did come second. You probably have heard of it, but have you actually heard it? So I give you (in my best Monty Python Mao Zedong impersonation) SING LITTLE BIRDIE!
Have Fun and Stay Sexy!
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